Dating Advice

Become a Low Maintenance Woman

By Kara Oh

On a beach walk a couple of weeks ago, a good friend and subscriber asked me to write about high maintenance women. He meant the kind of women who always seem to have an agenda and lots of expectations.

What he was looking for, especially in the beginning of a relationship, was a woman who could enjoy the process of getting to know one another, have fun, be spontaneous, and if, eventually, there was sex, to have fun with that too.

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He had two issues of concern. First, he wanted to know why everything had to mean something. He felt the women he dated were unable to be in the moment because they had their radars up, searching for a husband.

He wished a woman could just relax and enjoy him, the movie, the dinner. He felt like everything a woman does is calculated to attract him as a husband. He didn't understand why it isn't okay to just be friends and even occasionally include sex?

Second, he wanted to know why, almost always, it was assumed he was responsible for everything--the first conversation, the first phone call, the planning of dates. Plus paying for most, if not all, of the dates.

Unfortunately, I hear these complaints all the time. It's a dilemma for many women, because most do want to get married. Many want to make babies, which means they need financial assistance from a husband.

Ladies, here are some suggestions that might help you be more in the moment with the men you date. The benefit is, you'll have more fun and so will the men you're with.

With every man you date, be yourself. Don't try to be what you think he's looking for. Eventually the real you will show up and if that's not what he was attracted to in the first place, he'll quit calling and you'll wonder what happened. Why would you want him to be attracted to anything that isn't you anyway? If you're concerned with how you "ought" to be, you can't relax and be yourself. Be comfortable with who you are. Men are most attracted to women who are confident and happy. Self confidence takes conscious effort to develop, but well worth it. Being happy takes acceptance and trust. The way I accept is to set my goals, do everything I can to make them happen, then hand the outcome over to the universe.

Part of being happy is to accept that you're single. Otherwise, there's always a feeling of angst. If you do marry one day, consider it a gift from the gods and enjoy a new chapter in your life. Create a strong network of close friends. Enjoy your independence. Have a full, active life of your own. Smile--a lot. You'll feel better and so will everyone around you.

Don't expect so much from your date. If he might be "the one" it doesn't matter what you do, as long as you're together and getting to know each other. What you want is respect, caring and appreciation. So does he. How much he spends on you should be irrelevant. If he buys you a gift, be thrilled with the thought. Invite him over for dinner occasionally. Plan a picnic, a beach walk. Allow yourself to enjoy the man, and let go of your expectations.

Sex seems to complicate things. Most women aren't comfortable with friend sex. But each woman is going to be different about that. If you're looking for marriage, set a time limit for how long you'll go out with a man, and when you feel you need to bring up certain subjects. Then let go and enjoy, knowing you're not going to waste time by going too long. Relax, get to know him, be genuine, and make a friend. If you get to the time limit, and it isn't happening, move on.

Trust that there's something better ahead. To be really happy, it's important to be true to yourself and never settle for the wrong man just to get a husband.

Kara Oh is the best-selling author of numerous relationship books including Men Made Easy, Marriage Made Easy, and Women Made Easy.

Kara has been interviewed on hundreds of radio and TV shows across the country in cities like New York, Atlanta, Las Vegas, Chicago, and Philadelphia, and signed books in bookstores in every major (and a few not so major) city. She has featured in magazines like Cosmopolitan and Women's World. She is an enlightening and entertaining public speaker and has traveled to all the major US cities sharing her insights about what makes men tick and how to create amazing relationships.